this phone is bananas… b-a-n-a-n-a-s!

I did a very bad thing last night. It was an all-nighter.

An all-nighter of studying? Partying, drinking, and wreaking general havoc on the villagers? Or something about going all night long? None of the above. I did try and work on some freelance, which is like studying. I did have a beer around 7:00pm, which could wreak a miniscule bit of mini-havoc. There might have been some kind of sex occurring in my household, but a lady doesn’t tell… I’m not a lady, but I’m not telling you anyway. If I’m not a lady, what am I? Oh. That’s right. I run the gamut between being Dame, and Lusty Wench. This could explain why I have a thing for fedoras, and pirate garb. Really?No. Not really. One of the drama geeklings at my venerable Nouveaux Yuppie Rich Highschool, wore a fedora all the time, in a vain attempt to be more appealing to the ladies. I wonder if he’s ever gotten laid, to date. Probably not. If he ever had a chance to score with a girl, he’d probably try to leave the hat ON. Oh. I wish my mind wouldn’t wander so…

No… I made the mistake of starting a book rather late at night. I picked up the “Time Travelers Wife” by Audrey Neuffenegger (sp? i don’t feel like looking it up). I thought I’d start to read it during the commercials while I watched SNL, but they had some football player dude as the host, and I quickly got swept into the story. I ended up staying up until five in the morning, until I finished the book. Yes. I read fast. It was that good though! Really good! Can I go back to the book meme, and add it on there somewhere? Any book that makes me cry at the end is good. Kurtz is used to this sort of nonsense. When you live with a person with a sleeping disorder, you kind of are bound to expect anything in the night. I could sleep for 12 hours, or I could sleep for 2. I never know, no matter how tired I might be. It sucks, but it is what it is.

While I read, I turned on VH1, just to have some light and noise. I don’t like to sit in the house at night without the TV on, even if I’m not watching it. It just gives me the creeps. I don’t know why. I don’t normally watch… how you say? Ah, yes… videos. But it’s slightly better than infomercials, or syndicated reruns of Bay Watch. Unfortunately, I’ve come to the conclusion that most mainstream music is garbage. It is utterly vapid, and annoying. I tolerated the Top 40 Pop tastes of the designers at Small Studio, but perhaps that’s because there were no pictures to accompany them. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I should have watched informercials. Let’s just say that the badness is everywhere, and they play the worst ones at least once an hour.

For example… Rob Thomas. Sorry duder. Your new “hit single” sounds like Nsync circa 1999. Your video makes me nauseaus. If you “don’t wanna be lonely no more”, take the ice out of your ears, because you are not P. Diddy, and P. Diddy is lame as well. Jeebus.

Another one? Gwen Stefani. This SHIT is Bananas, Gwen. Seriously. Banana Phone on line for GWEN FUCKING STEFANI! I applaud her for taking a departure, and trying to do a dance record.The other two songs were annoying, but catchy. This one. Fuck me. It stinks like cheetos, and two day old underpants. That’s under-drawers if you’re from Alabama. If you think the song is bad, then perhaps skipping the video at all costs would be a good idea. Gwen coyly puts her fingers to her lips, and says “Shhhhhhh!”, during all of the lovely song lyrics where she says “This is my Shit. It’s My Shit. This Shit is Bananas.” Censorship is annoying enough, but the word “Shit” is used so frequently, that Ms. Stefani-Rossdale’s posturing, and posing is enough to make you want to kick your own ass, just out of sheer annoyance for having actually watched it. Such flowery and skillful use of the English language. And the marching band stuff. And the cheerleader stuff. I guess if you want to watch Gwen shake her ass, you’d be in luck. Even though Pharrell from the Neptunes makes an appearance, it’s safe to say that this SHIT really is bananas, and this song is SHIT too. It’s a pity. No, wait… no it’s not.

And yes. They played that Kelly Clarkson song with the hazel eyes, or whatever. I’m not one to endorse popular music in ANY WAY, but the song isn’t that annoying. It’s scarily tolerable. A wee guilty part of me almost could see a 13 year old me liking it. But… Ms. Clarkson wears (GASP!) a body suit with… (GASPITY GASP GASP) ultra low rise pants. I used to believe in god. I used to… I thought we all quietly agreed in 1993 that body suits were annoying and unnattractive, and that all of them in existence should be burned, and never spoken of again?? Things with snaps in the crotch area should be reserved for those not potty trained yet. Why Kelly? Why?

So… that was my pennance for staying up late to read a good book. ARRRGGGGGG! I am going to spend my day curled up on the floor in a little ball of goo, sobbing and listening to Iron and Wine, trying to get the horrible sound out of my ears…

RING RING RING RING RING RING RING BANANAPHONE!
THIS PHONE IS BANANAS!
B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

Someone should do a remix of Banana Phone and Hollaback Girl. Like The Ghost That Feeds. It would be the latest sensation sweeping the nation, and I think I really would kick my own ass if I had to hear that. Oh yes… and have a nice day!