Guide to Being Awesome Like Heidiland Lesson #1

I’ve decided that since I’m not blogging too much of late, that all’ y’all are probably suffering from some kind of adverse Heidiland Deficit.
We can’t have this. No, no! Not at all. The less I blog… the more the markets tank. A coincidence? I think not, good Sirs, Madams, and Mad Men! This is all my fault. I’ve not equipped you all to weather the storm in my absence. I take full responsibility for this.

I can do better. I will do better! How? Simple. I will show you how to be AWESOME like ME in 101 Easy Steps.  We shall have to do this together, you understand. There will be a lot of hard work and dedication on your part, but I promise your success as a Student of the Heidiland Method of Heidi Studies will be guaranteed.

You’ll walk down the street, and people will say… “Gee… that person personifies awesomeness. They must be a friend of Heidiland. I’m sure of it!”.

I’m not starting a cult or anything… yet.

Now, for…

Lesson 1…

Next time you’re out driving, or riding public transport, be sure to shout the most creative obscenities you can at other drivers or passengers when they are doing something stupid or ill-advised. The more insulting yet peculiar your utterance, and the more drama with which it is delivered, the better…

You will get extra points for somehow incorporating the phrases “Fucksticks!”, “Corn-Hole Monger”, “Clown Fondling Freak Biscuit”, and “Coming to you live, from the Short Bus Lounge” or your own colorful variations of all three.

This method is particularly effective for invoking your inner Heidiness while driving near tourist shopping destinations on the day after the dreaded Black Friday, with your blood sugar raging in dire need of a spinach and brie omelet as a line of Bay Area-ians (totally different from Bay Aryans, or so I’ve been told) in North Face jackets sit in front of your favorite breakfast haunt, waiting to get their tofu scramble on… With no regard to the fact that you are a local who just wants some damn breakfast.

Now… go forth! Practice! Impress me! You shall be rewarded in the Heaven of your own choosing, whether that’s Hooter’s on No-Top-Tuesday or one of a more Abrahamic sort.

Amen? Yay-men! It’s not raining men, halleluliah. It’s raining Jimmy Choos. Squeee!!!