Obama: I’m Too Sexy For the White House?

So… I’m going to come right out with it. (This is totally inspired by a thread. Elsewhere. In Space. Somewhere. It got me to thinking… BWAAHAAHAA!)

Obama is pretty good looking for a President. Immanently doable some might say?

What says you? To do, or not to do? That is the question… unless you can think of  better one.

Obama ups the ante on presidential hawtness, but my Heidisense tells me that he probably wouldn’t be that impressive in bed. He seems like the type of guy who’d get really detached and distant if he had too much on his mind. Like right now. He’s just too reserved for me. I just think he’d be boring in bed.

Bill Clinton is more my style if I am gonna tap some presidential ass. Yeah, he’s not handsome but he puts out some major charisma, and you can tell that he’d be fun in bed. I like those unapologetically dirty boys! What he lacks in the eye-candy department he’d totally make up for in personality and enthusiasm. Hil-Dog is a  smart lady… and even she fell for his wiley charms.

And… This is gross… but… My Heidisense also tells me that G-Dubs is probably a HUGENORMOUS freak. COLLOSSAL! We’re talking rubber chickens inserted places not found in nature kind of freaky. ICKY!!! And now I feel dirty for actually giving this some thought.

Let’s go back even further… I’m not including George Bush Sr, or Ronald Regan. I’m certifiably sure that contemplating the sexual habits of Mr. Voodoo Economics would render me as frigid as Sarah Palin at a Beltaine ritual… at a nudist resort… taking bong hits… while reading Richard Dawkin’s “The God Delusion”… in esperanto. (Sarah Palin does not find esperanto as sexy as I do.)

Actually, she’d probably enjoy that. Again, I’m thinking she’s a closet freaky-deaky-doodle. If it involves riding naked on a pony, a la Lady Godiva, brandishing an American flag, and a saddle with it’s own built in… erm… how can I put this delicately? Well… I can’t. A saddle with it’s own built in butt plug…

How’s that mental image for you? You still with me?

She’d probably enjoy that quite a bit. Obama would shake his head and roll his eyes at such childishness. He and Michelle would probably share a quiet laugh together over such ridiculousness. Bill Clinton might be a bit horrified initially, but in the end he would laugh and cheer her on, and definitely tell all of his buddies about it. “Dude… she did all that… on top of a pony! Dude! A pony!”. Al Gore would reply “Bill… I have an inconvenient truth for you. You already told me that story. Twice. Did you know that the methane gas emitted from ponies is bad for the environment?” G-Dubs would throw on his trusty man-thong-pantaloons, crocs, and a hunting vest, pack a toilet plunger and a pack of Mentos, and get ready to go around town! He’d get lost on the way there, and would probably end up wandering around the swamp. I’m not sure how this will all work logistically, but I am certain there would be a swamp nearby.

And Dirty Dick Cheney…

Dirty Dirty Dirty Dick Cheney…

Dirty Disgusting Dick Cheney…

He would hide behind the sidelines. In the shadows with all of the other Evil Men of Evil Means. And he’d watch. Emitting a low, yet sinister chuckle to himself here and there as he voraciously devoured a five dollar footlong meatball sub from Subway, stuffing his porcine visage with deliciously drippy meatstuffs. (I am feeling wordy. I haven’t used the words “porcine” or “visage” in aeons!) Wishing that he would have taken Sarah up on her offer to dress him up in a pony costume.

But Dirty Dick is a busy man. He has evil busy work to do. So he can one day take over the world. Why? Because he’s a dick. That’s what dicks do.

And… hmm. I guess this descending into debauchery and horror right quick! It’s nice to know I haven’t lost my touch. I am vindicated! Woohoo!

Shame? What’s that? Maybe I need a Shame-WOW. Or a Slap-Chop.

You’re gonna love my nuts!